Are your emotions causing your dog's behavioral problems?

In many circles of dog training, there is a lot of blame that is put onto owners. If you could just be calm, if you could just be a better leader than your dog’s behavior would improve. In my circle of dog training we do not blame owners. We don’t blame owners because while our behavior certainly has an impact on our dogs, it doesn’t wholly dictate how our dogs will behave. 

A popular tv trainer, whom I wish would leave the airwaves has made a career out of blaming dog owners who can’t remain calm. Today I really want to set the record straight because you being calm isn’t going to completely change your dog's behavior.

Our dog's behavior, much like our own, is influenced by so many factors. Our dogs are their own selves who are a product of their genetics, their rearing, their lived experiences, their physical health, their environment and by us. I’ve written several other blogs that go into the why of our dogs behavior, but today I want to focus on our impact on our dogs behavior. 

It is undeniable that our behavior is going to have an impact on our dogs behavior but what I see gets misrepresented is how much of an impact that really has. I want to be clear, that you being calm is not going to yield your dog also being calm. As someone who is a highly complicated emotional being, I can assure you that oftentimes when I am feeling anxious, that does not always make my dogs feel anxious, the same way that when I am feeling calm, that doesn’t always make my dog feel calm. 

Feeling bad about the way that you are feeling and then feeling guilty because you think you are causing your dog to behave in unwanted ways is not a healthy pattern. Which is why as a professional dog trainer, I never tell my clients how they should feel in order to shift their dogs behavior. We can’t tell other people how to feel the same way we can’t tell our dogs to feel. What we can do, is slowly but surely put ourselves and our dogs in situations where we have healthy coping mechanisms and solid skills to make real meaningful progress. 

Unfortunately, there are a lot of “trainers” that will put dogs in situations that they can’t handle and proceed to physically correct and hurt them. This often leads to learned helplessness where the dog just shuts down and stops behaving. Then the “trainer” claims that the dog is “fixed” when the dog is actually feeling terrible. Feeling terrible and not behaving is never my goal when training or working through behavior modification. Meanwhile this “trainer” empowers the owner to punish and correct their dog and tells them it’s working because they are being a “calm leader”. 

The truth is that if your dog is struggling with fear, stress or anxiety, you being calm is going to have a minimal impact on how they are feeling. Yes we can be a calm, safe space for them but that is such a small part of the training plan. Your dog is going to need to feel safe, be in an emotional space where they aren’t overwhelmed, feel physically good, and have the skills and ability to cope with what we are asking of them. If they don’t have those things, what is likely happening is called “flooding” where the dog is just so overwhelmed that they can’t cope. This is cruel and has a host of negative side effects. 

The truth is that while our behavior and our emotions do impact our dogs behavior, it is not the primary or only influence. So you don’t always need to remain calm, it's okay if you are stressed or anxious too. The goal is to do your best for yourself and your dog. In my 14 years of training experience, my clients emotions are not the cause of their dogs behavior problems.

- Rachel Laurie Harris CPDT-KA